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I am
a single, male, 36 years of age and I live in [deleted for
confidentiality]. Both my parents are Roman Catholic and I was raised
Roman Catholic.
In terms
of my family background, I have three siblings and my parents divorced when
I was in grade school. My father won custody of all four children and has
not since remarried. My mother was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia
and is currently living in a group home and receiving, by all accounts, a
relatively high standard of care and medical attention.
I was exposed to pornography as a child. I saw a pornographic magazine that
my mother left in front of us in plain view on a table. I can recall fixating
on several of the photos. One of the pictures involved group sex. I can also
recall instances as a grade school student where I searched out pornographic
magazines with my friends (with little ‘success’).
My grade school teachers commented that I was a daydreamer, that I lacked
attention/focus and that I rushed through my class work (i.e., often making
careless mistakes).
I was a frequent masturbator. I started masturbating somewhere between the
ages of 5 and 9. I usually masturbated between 1 to 3 times a day and I still
masturbate on occasion. I have sexual thoughts almost every time I masturbated
as a means of reaching ejaculation (‘getting-off’). Most of sexual
thoughts/fantasies were about my grade school and high-school teachers (while
I was attending school), ‘porn starlets’ and pornographic film
scenes, co-workers and managers, actresses, aunts, cousins, as well as women
that I encountered on a day-to-day basis. In many cases I created my own
sexual thoughts/fantasies.
I would estimate that I have attended various ‘strip clubs,’ on
less than several dozen occasions from age 16 to 34. To the best of my
recollection, I watched less than 40 hours of pornographic tapes (i.e., VHS
rentals) and less than 90 hours of internet based pornography. I probably
read the equivalent of a couple of pornographic reader’s digests. The
majority of this viewing/reading took place from 1994 to the early part of
2007. If I were to sum up a central theme to my viewing choices, it would
be ‘taboo’ subject matter (e.g., incest) and mature/older women.
Between 1996 and 2001, I engaged in a series of regrettable sexual acts.
Specifically, I procured and attempted to procure sex on several occasions.
I actually had sexual intercourse during 3 such instances (the only times
I have ever had sexual intercourse with a women). In all cases I reached
each of these individuals (“call girls”) via newspaper
advertisement/yellow pages.
In 2000, I was instructed by my employer to see a company paid Psychiatrist
and, later, a company paid Psychotherapist. Although I was deemed fit to
return to work, I was eventually let go by my employer. Later in 2000, on
my own initiative, I began to see a Psychologist on a weekly basis (an hour
a week) for about a year and a half. I spoke to him about various areas of
my life including the above noted pattern of behavior.
On repeated occasions, I have smelled (for an extended period of time) my
own feces, flatulence, body odor and urine. I have defecated in the bathroom
sink and while I showered repeatedly. For some time I used to insert my fingers
into my anus in an effort to remove my feces as I was sitting on the bathroom
toilet. For the past several years I have found myself going to the bathroom
more that usual (2- perhaps 3 times a day) and I have a tendency of looking
into the toilet stall (after I have relieved myself) with some
satisfaction.
I continue to have a habit of pulling at my hair and trying to rub out my
hair follicle. I pick my nose during business hours. Many nights I find myself
unable to fall asleep and continue to do. Lately, a group of people I know
tell me that I seem nervous when I am around them and this scares me.
I am asking you if I pose a danger to society and if so what I steps I should
be taking to put an end to that danger. I am also asking for some guidance
as to any steps that I should be taking to deal with the above noted pattern
of behavior.
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 o lead you into an understanding
of your own question, let me begin with a short explanation of a seemingly
unrelated topic.
Through the ages, we have been
fascinated with flight. We watch birds fly and, in our own quiet awe, we
desire to soar in the sky also. In the past, many men have tried to fly like
birds. But, because they understood nothing about aerodynamics, they tried
simply to imitate birds. They made frameworks of sticks and string, attached
feathers to them, and strapped them onto their arms, hoping to be able to
fly. And their hopes, still strapped to their ignorance of the real physics
involved, crashed to the ground.
Now, your life, too, has been
structured around a desire. Your deep desire,
however, is not the desire to fly; your desire is the desire to
love.
The Destruction
of Love
Given your
childhood history, though, you learned nothing
about love. Your mother was too caught up in her own inner psychological
confusion to be capable of nurturing you with the love of a real mother.
And your father most likely had his own flaws that
you fail to mention, thus leading to your childhood lack of concentration
and your current lack of direction in life. Thus, even though you may have
been “raised Catholic,” you learned nothing about parental nurturance
and guidance, the Catholic faith, and true
love.
So there you were, yearning for
what was missing.
And then you were exposed to
pornography.
Pornographic
“Gifts”
Like men watching birds fly,
you saw in those photographs something that aroused your awe. Like men building
wings of sticks and feathers, you began to create your own framework for
feeling acceptance and “love.” And, like men ignorant of aerodynamics,
you, being ignorant of God and soul, tried to find
love through your body.
In all of your lack of understanding,
though, you did know one truth about love: love is a matter of giving. Children
know this intuitively when they offer their feces and urine as gifts—the
only things they have—to their mother in exchange for her love. This
becomes especially apparent during the stage of toilet training.
Ultimately, children grow past
this primitive stage of a preoccupation with bodily gifts and learn that
true love involves giving something we don’t possess; that is,
true love involves giving intangible things (such as patience, forbearance,
compassion, mercy,
and forgiveness) that derive from divine love. In true love we give what
we don’t really have; we give away what God gives us. Moreover, through
an awareness of true love, we learn to respect our bodies as chaste
temples of the Holy Spirit and therefore cease
being preoccupied with mere bodily products.
But pornography took you along
a different path. Instead of learning to respect your body as a chaste temple
of the Holy Spirit, you made your body into a sex
toy. You became preoccupied with feces, urine, and semen as the only
“gifts” you could imagine. You sought out especially the love of
the “mother” you didn’t have, and which, despite your desiring
it, terrified you.
And there you are today, lacking
any meaningful sense of direction, stuck in a body ignorant of its own soul,
indifferent to the Holy Spirit, and therefore under the influence of demons.
So are you a danger to
society?
A Danger to
Society?
Well, just as you are a danger
to your own soul, to others your lack of love
is a danger to their souls. In other words, you are a danger to society in
so far as the devil and all the demons are a danger
to society.
Still, there’s a difference
between you and the devil. The devil rejects love deliberately and willfully.
His place in hell is his own choosing for
ever.
At this moment, though, you merely
lack the understanding of love. And, at this moment, you have the rest of
your life to acknowledge your fear of your childhood
pain, to see the
effects of that pain in every moment of the present,
to renounce the demonic influence in you, and to
affirm your desire for true love. Then, instead of defiling
love with your body, you can, with a chaste body and pure heart, learn to
give love to others as God gives His love to you.
Finding Love
So, how can you find love if you
have been deprived of it all your life? Is it impossible? No, it’s not impossible.
You may read about it in my answer to a question about
this very dilemma.
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