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What about friends?
How do they fit into a devout life?
 everal years ago, when I was doing free
work to help build a website for some nuns, the Mother Foundress put her arms around
me. She leaned her forehead against mine, and we stayed that way in contemplative
silence for a few minutes.
Then she said, “I love
you.”
Understanding that this was spoken
by a nun, I replied, “And I love those who love Christ more than they
love me.”
So what does this teach us about
friendships?
Scorn for Creatures?
Many persons can get confused about
friendships when they read about saints and mystics of the past who spoke about having
“scorn for creatures.” To modern ears, this sounds cruel and inhuman because
it seems to contradict the command to love our neighbors. But the problem really is
in misunderstanding the old language of “scorning creatures.”
To express this old language in modern
psychological language, “scorning creatures” means simply to break our illusions of
identity that we put into the relationships we have
with other persons. To break those illusions, we do not really scorn other persons
themselves, we scorn the manipulation of others for
our own benefit. Hence, when we “scorn creatures” we stop using them to
satisfy our own needs, and we turn our attention to God as our ultimate and only
source of indentity.
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All relationships,
whether they be work and academic associations, friendships, or marriage, will
degenerate into
melodrama,
emotional pain, and disappointment for one reason: tendencies toward human selfishness.
Although these tendencies (such as anger, blame, complaining, envy, impatience,
ingratitude, insecurity, jealousy, pride, and victimization) can be overcome through
the path of philosophical wisdom, the most beneficial path—a path that also facilitates
the salvation of the soul—is love for and trust in God. |
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Friends
Real friends are few and far between. Just
because someone shares a class in school with you does not mean that he or she is your
friend. Just because someone is a co-worker does not mean that he or she is your friend.
Just because someone is a roommate does not mean that he or she is your friend.
Friends do not play “games” of manipuation
with each other; instead they speak the truth. Friends listen to each other. Friends
seek to understand each other. Friends support each other. Friends give advice to each
other and graciously receive advice from each other. Real friends are few and far
between.
A Rule
In any relationship, therefore, it’s
important that one rule be respected: the relationship can never fall into
expectancy or it will destroy itself.
 This rule
really derives from a mystical understanding of God’s gifts: God gives us many gifts, not
for our personal benefit, but to help us do His will. We must accept these gifts as they
are given, when they are given, without expecting them. We can ask for them in our need,
yes—and then we must wait
patiently for God to do what He wills.
And so it is with all relationships.
We turn to Christ for all our needs; we seek His Kingdom before all else. And when
God gives us time for mutual sharing with someone, free of all expectancy and
demand—like wildflowers in a meadow—we rejoice. Thus all relationships must
be like Saint John the Baptist pointing to the Cross: Him, not me.
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 Even the . . . closest
affinity of minds cannot truly lay claim to . . . peace if they are not in
agreement with the will of God. Alliances based on evil desires, covenants
of crime and pacts of vice—all lie outside the scope of this peace. Love of
the world cannot be reconciled with love of God, and those who do not separate
themselves from the children of this generation cannot join the company of the
children of God. But those who keep God ever in their hearts, and are anxious
to preserve the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace, never dissent from
the eternal law as they speak the prayer of faith. Thy will be done on
earth as it is in heaven.
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—From a sermon by Saint Leo
the Great, pope
Office of Readings, Monday,
Twenty-Third Week in Ordinary Time |
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Psalm 101 (adapted)
My song is of mercy and justice;
I sing to you, O Lord.
I will walk in the way of perfection.
I will walk with blameless heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
whatever is base.
I will hate the ways of the crooked;
they shall not be my friends.
The false-hearted must keep far away;
the wicked I disown.
Those who slander their neighbors in secret
I will scorn in silence.
Those of proud looks and haughty hearts
I will never endure.
I look to the faithful in the land
that they may dwell with me.
Those who walk in the way of perfection
shall be my friends.
No one who practices deceit
shall be welcome in my house.
No one who utters lies shall stand
before my eyes.
Morning by morning I will scorn in silence
all the wicked in the land,
uprooting from my heart
all who do evil.
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