. . . married over 20 years, have [several] great kids and a wonderful
wife. Heres the deal: For the past 27 years I have not been able to
stop thinking about my high school girlfriend. We were young, ignorant, sexually
active. For me it was an excessive love. When she dropped me at 18, I spiraled
into severe depression, anxiety, sexual addiction, and drug and alcohol abuse
for some 5 years. When I married, I was an emotional wreck but covered up
pretty well. Over the years, I have improved slowly in fits and falls but
consistently so that today I make it through my day. I am a faithful Catholic
and have tried to be during my married life.
Now, I was a very sensitive, idealistic, narcissistic adolescent, and being
rejected by my girlfriend (my world, my love!) and the pathetic aftermath
remains for me a trauma that seems to affect or define my every waking moment.
I feel like I will take this unnatural love for this woman (that
I do not even know) to the grave. This loss is overwhelming, and I feel like
all I can do is just try to accept it. Ive heard of pining for someone
for a few years but never this many unless the person was a stalker type,
which I was not, so I have difficulty placing it all. I have not spoken with
anyone about it because it seems to me to be a pathetic excuse for a deep
trauma. But it has affected me that way. Have you seen something like this
see it all the time. But anyone
who is Christian should know that love for God is
more important than anyone or anything in your lifeincluding your own
life. Sadly, most Christiansand most Catholics evendont
know this. And thats why I was told to make this website.
So lets read Luke
If anyone comes
to Me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and
sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Now, hate as used here
does not mean to wish harm to. Instead it means to remove
your emotional dependence on.
And thats why Holy Matrimony
is not based in romance. Romance is a secular
medieval literary concept that seeks emotional fulfillment in another person
to compensate for the emptiness that results from a lack of religious
faith. But if you knowand
believethat God loves you, then you dont
need to look for recognition through other persons. So instead of trying
vainly to fill yourself with fantasies of romance, you can . . .
. . . know the
love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all
the fullness of God.
So if Holy Matrimony is not based
in romance, then what is it all about?
Well, imagine two small weights,
joined together by a length of string. Notice that the string joins the weights,
but does not draw them together. Now, however, if you pick up the string
in the middle and lift it up, then the two weights, drawn upward with the
string, will swing together.
Thats Holy Matrimony. In
the sacrament of matrimony, a man and a woman are drawn together when they
are mutually lifted up by Gods love through the sacramental presence
Holy Matrimony, therefore, is
an act of service to God, to bring children into the world for one purpose:
to lead those children to God by teaching them to love
God in the context of the love for God shared by both the mother and the
Now donít get me wrong here about
intimacy between a husband and wife. Even though they must not be dependent on
each other, and even though they must not seek to draw themselves together, a
holy marriage requires emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and sexual intimacy
between the man and the woman.
enhances all human relationships, and so it must be present in Holy Matrimony
as well, as a concrete expression of ones mystical intimacy with
God. This intimacy is the basis for honest communication and for mutual
serves to strengthen the bond between the husband and wife in their service
to God. Still, contrary to popular opinion, physical intimacy involves far more
than, and does not even have to include, genital arousal and satisfaction.
Hugging, holding hands, a compassionate caress, or a kiss on the cheek are all
physically intimate behaviors that can be free
is necessary for conceiving children, and, as long as it is not
closed to procreation and is free from
lust, it can serve to strengthen
the bond between the husband and wife in their service to God. But once sexuality
is stripped of its essential procreative nature and made into a recreational
sport, it degenerates into a seductive flirtation
with death that defiles matrimony.
In the book of Tobit
we learn that Sarah had been married seven times, but that as each husband approached
Sarah on the wedding night, he was killed by a demon. Guided by the archangel Raphael,
Tobit married Sarah, and because he and Sarah prayed together and renounced lust,
Godís mercy protected Tobit from the demon.
Thus it can be said that the sexual
relationship with your old girlfriend has opened the door to a
demonic obsession that
has been defiling your marriage all these years.
So, considering all this, then,
your attachment for your old girlfriend is just a romantic
illusion you are keeping alive because you are afraid
to renounce lust as Tobit and Sarah did. You fear the consequences of loving God with
all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind. In essence, you
fear dying to the world.
I know its hard to
hear this because I had to hear it myself once. But that letting go is
what it takes to set
out on the mystic path to true Christianity. You simply cannot get to God
if you cling to anything in this worldwhether it be another person,
a social identity, a substance (such as
alcohol or drugs or
food), or wealth and riches. Christ said that
plain as day. Still most of us refuse to believe
itóand then their lives, the lives of their spouses, and the lives of their
children wobble on the brink of doom.